day one

Little Bear,

Today we began the journey that is potty training. In true Momma and Bear fashion, we jumped right into it. You get your over the top emotional nature from me, and so it's best for us to just throw ourselves into big changes.

It was the longest, most draining day I've had with you since the day you came home from the hospital. Since you were running around with no pants on and I like our furniture, I had to be constantly watching you. Waiting. Waiting for you to go to the bathroom so I could yell "Potty!", grab you and run to your potty chair. Not the most glamourous moments of my life for sure.

You're quite lucky that The Monkey is such a mellow baby and was content to be ignored most of the day. I had some major mommy guilt for the lack of involvement with him. Please know that during your life there will be days like today in reverse in which The Monkey gets the constant attention and you must be content to be fed, safe and clean.

After you and your brother were in bed for the night, I felt about 3,000 pounds lighter. I could close my eyes for 2 seconds without the fear of opening them and finding a huge mess. I felt desperately alone that I'm doing this without your Daddy here. I miss him so, and it seems all the big transitions in your life are done when I'm alone. Ditching the pacifier, moving to a big boy bed, potty training . . . It didn't seem fair. I didn't know how I would last 2 more days inside the house all alone with both of you. "They" say to not go anywhere the first 3 days. What had I gotten myself into? Should I have just waited until you potty trained yourself? It would happen eventually.

In my totally emotionally exhausted state, I found shame. I am not a stay at home mother for me. I do it for you. While the thought of paying someone to potty train you did sound appealing, I love that I'm the one teaching you these things. While you're learning how to function as a big boy, I'm learning about you. I know your body language. I know your thoughts. I love that I know my son. Daddy might not have to deal with the stress, but he also misses a lot of big moments. I don't. I get to be there for it all. And, you know. It was a long day. But, today is over. And tomorrow will be over soon, too.

Soon you'll be all grown up. I'm not quite ready for that yet. Day 2 of potty training seems like a piece of cake compared to dropping you off at college.

Bring it on, buddy. We can do this.

Love, Momma


MrsPnut said...

Aw! I'm going to be following the potty training closely because I am scared of doing this with my little guy!
You are strong and amazing and yes, he may not say "thank you" later in life, like you said, it's pretty cool that we get to teach out little guys these things!
Hang in there, good luck and I'm sending prayers!!

EskimoMamma said...

That was beautiful. The part about your husband missing all the big moments especially spoke to me. I love reading your blogs because I feel I can relate as well. Good luck with day two!!

Anonymous said...