I am so ashamed of myself.
I lost it last night. For the first time, I screamed as loud as I could at The Bear. He was scared. I was heartbroken. I've gotten frustrated with him before, but I have never screamed like that.
Last night was Sub Ball for us. Hubby and I were actually going. I was a little anxious. The Bear was staying at a friend's house (a friend of ours that has followed us from IL to SC to CT and has a little girl a month older than The Bear). I knew he would be fine. It was only 2 hours of him being awake and then bed time. He had already been fed so it was pretty easy. Despite all this, I was still having the "I'm leaving my baby" jitters. I had only left him one other time and that was with my mom.
Anyways, I was attempting to get ready for the ball - that sounds so Cinderella-ish. I had for some reason decided to put curlers in my hair. I am not a fru fru girl, and I fail miserably at the girly things like that. Hubby brought The Bear into the bathroom while I'm attempting to do this. The Bear wanted attention and starts wiggling in between the counter and me.
In my clumsy attempt at using curlers, I'm dropping them all over the floor. Now, I have The Bear at my feet. I didn't hit him with any, but my feet were sacrificed for his well being.
I put The Bear in his crib. I was running out of patience and time. He was screaming, but I figured at least he was safe there. Not even 3 minutes later, Hubby brings a screaming Bear back into the bathroom and tells me he needs his diaper changed. I go and change him. And, ruin my nails.
I never have my nails painted. Because you know, I smudge them and they chip and it's just way too much maintenance for me right now. Hubby actually notices though. I could have not brushed my hair for 3 weeks or showered for a year and he would notice my nails being painted.
This entire time The Bear is crying and generally throwing a temper tantrum which is pretty par for his 15 month old self.
I screamed at him. I told him to shut up. I grew up thinking "shut up" was a bad word. We used "please be quiet", "hush" and "shush".
I put him back in his crib and went to our bathroom to cry. I don't talk to anyone like that especially my baby boy.
I snuggled with him later and said I was sorry. He cuddled right in to me, and I know he forgave me. It just breaks my heart to have done that.
I didn't fix my nail polish. The smudge went with me to the ball. Smudged nails are a small price to pay for a precious baby boy.